Paranoid lessons.

Return. Hmm. I like the word and the way it sounds but I don't quite fancy this word for its meaning. Okay, I'll be specific...I don't like the word for the meaning it holds in my life.

It's never been "good to be back" for me, I've never cherished returning to places that usually hold a lot of importance in a person's life. So whether it's school, college even or my first work place, given an opportunity I'd almost positively, never like to return. Oh yes, of course I had fun and believe it or not, I did have friends (surprisingly I still do)! There's really not a reason I can find for me to hesitate going back to any of the places I just mentioned. But then again, I see no reason for me to return either.

There's something about returning to such places, I can't do it right. I think I fear being asked questions that I won't have the answers to. I fear being told that I've not changed a bit, or maybe that I have changed too much. Maybe it's not me, maybe it's the place, the people who have changed.

While my so called fear does manage to override most of my decisions, I don't feel as afraid when it comes to returning to people. Strange? I think so. I can be angry, humiliated, hurt or pleased, it really makes no difference. No, no...I'm not clingy!

It's just that things are so much easier when you don't have to fight, or leave and say good-bye. Especially with people you love. The ones you call your own. I might not be at fault, I may be the one who's been wronged but after a point all that doesn't matter, right?

Sadly enough though, most people I know preach the same but don't really practice it. Well, some of them don't preach it either. And in a way, I'm sure they're happier because they can "let go". But is it really worth it? Am I putting my self-esteem and other similar words at risk? I guess but over time I've learnt how it's really not so cool to be detached. Or even pretend to be the same. And if you've really chosen the path of detachment, then why discriminate, right? Why detach yourself from people around you but not the things around you?

For me, relationships really aren't that easy to ignore. I've got my ego but I'd like to think it's just the right amount, which is why usually it stays out of the way. 

me Vs me

there's a feeling, no less sober but a lot more peaceful.a feeling that I crave for. a feeling that's separated from this unrest.

From memories that I want to treasure to memories that I would like to discard. From ambitions that I wouldn't care about to passions that lie unfulfilled.

A lot many things try to settle inside me and many more that try to fight.

Goodnight...

I woke up today, after four long years. Or maybe five. And my dreams seem to be pretty fresh.
In these last four or five years, I have met a number of people in my dreams. Some who have taught me a lot and some who have taught me little. Surprisingly, every single person, has taught me something or the other. Yea, even the most insignificant ones.
So, I learnt about failures, about the 'luck factor', about being clueless, about friends, about people you think you know so well, about about losing everything, about being indifferent, a little about relationships, a thing or two about love and a lot of things about life.
My dreams, however, never taught me how to live. That is something I have to learn by myself. And I'm glad. But as erratic, pleasant or even negative as my dreams may be, it gave me some of my best memories. Memories that I shall always treasure but not cling on to.

So, here's to another few years of deep slumber, some more dreams, more people. And a lot more learning. 'night.

this one doesn't end.

Sundays, I must confess, are more fun without a nagging headache.That's just an opinion though, not really complaining.

The day's been pretty slow.And the mood's sort of unsettled.Have spent a good amount of the day listening to Indian Classical music, it calms you down somehow.It seems very typical, to say that, but it does.I mean, it puts restlessness to rest.So, I'm doing that.Settling my unsettled feelings through music.

I think there's too much happening, and I'm not even sure if I'm comfortable with what is.It becomes more difficult because there are too many opinions, people always seem to know what others should be doing.Honestly, I'm very comfortable being clueless, being confused, going with the flow and not knowing what's going to happen next.But then apparently thats not how things are meant to be.I'm not sure if I even have a problem with the hourly advices that I keep getting.I mean, it seems okay, its pretty cool if people care.But then I don't know, sometimes, I'd like to figure out things myself.Do things on my own, the way I want to, without anybody telling me what to do.

Complicated, isn't just another word.

This is it, that's what I'm told.Not that I'd know.
I think the insane simplicity of things is a slight complication.And don't I know my love for complications.Ours is a regretful love story...we're together even though we hate it.

Sing, like you used to,
just to make me cry
speak,like you always do
when you look into my eyes.
laugh, like you'd ask me to
when you'd want to make me smile
walk, like you did that day
when you turned and said goodbye

the original message

-----The fascination, the sheer obsession, with strangers seems to catch up with me every now and then-----Anyhow, that is really not of much relevance and if it is then it involves too much of explanation which I'm probably not willing to give.
Of late, things have been irksome, disturbingly gloomy.And a lot more.When my friend mentioned that I was probably looking for some latent form of solace on the internet, I, very obviously, denied it.But then I'm urged to look deeper into the hours I spend on the net (not too many though) and guess what I find? My virtual dependence. A state of mind, thoughts in motion, activity.My brain has a happy time.Or so I think.Maybe it becomes dead, or slow.Or dead slow-----
The realisation of virtual dependence isn't something new.It was always at a sub conscious level.Till now.
I can explain my emotion in terms of the emotions of the lonely cow *the one you would adopt,usually* one finds on Farmville, when I was, all of a sudden, deprived of my daily source of the feeling of inspiration, creativity, in some ways happiness, a little bit of friendship.Explaining it isn't as easy as I presumed----And just when I was getting comfy, -there, it went away.Bizarre.Things, people, time.Everything.So the gist is, that I can never rest and be all complacent with what I think I have.I've always got to be running, running after new things, befriending new people *who cares if I'm not interested*, always be ready for something new.hop.jump.skip.and off to something new.
Wow!the constant enthusiasm is so much fun.It's almost killing me.
______________________
So here I am.Emptying out the contents of my brain.Living with terminal virtual dependency---and not regretting it.Looking for strangers, to sub consciously stimulate my brain.Dealing with some changes I'm not comfortable with, some PMS bouts, some non hormonal mood swings *which occur more often*
----
And thanks to Sonnet, The holocaust research, Maus and my pseudo intellectuality.

what do you think?

Even though you might refuse to learn but eventually you're forced to, by strangers, by family,by friends and by life.

A few things may not be as essential but they are valuable, like; 'you shouldn't head bang once you're stoned'

Over the past few years, I've also learnt how to lie, how to pretend.How to fool myself.And even though they might sound unhelpful, they're very relevant.

I've learnt to love people for who they are but that's something I haven't learnt too well, so can't really talk about that too much.
But what is relatively hard, is learning to be detached.Even among your friends.Your close ones.your not so close ones.It's hard to remain unaffected.
Somehow, it's difficult to ignore what others think, what they say or feel.More so when it's someone close.For me, the opinion of my friends and family matter a lot.And why shouldn't it.But then the problem, I believe, is being unable to let go of it.In fact it's almost a habit now, to ask for an opinion, criticism...or anything and then to dwell on it.
Honestly, I don't think I can work much on that,( that's how optimistic I am ) but then I want to, for the very simple reason that it results in increased levels of mood swings and besides I don't want to sit and brood,IT'S TIRING!
Anyhow, on a note not so disconnected, the institute reopens tomorrow.And I can't be less excited.Spending 3yrs in DU does this to you.You get so used to it that everything else sucks!No offence Mr. Aurobindo.
But then my options are so limited that it's not even funny,so there, I continue my not so exciting little journey to advertising land from tomorrow!damn!

quit calling out my name.

a day ahead of the dreaded one, my friends got together to do the usual.surprise me: only this time there were some new members! *good thing*
so there it was, a handful of surprises got the day started,one thing led to the other and minus the heat, things were fun.But alas...the clock's got to join hands!and it was 12'o' clock!
Damn!!
So,it's the 6th of July.I don't know what it is...but there's something about birthdays which make me sulk and no,it's got nothing to do with getting older!I hardly care about that, as of now.I call it the BIRTHDAY SYNDROME and besides making me sulk...it spoils everything for everybody else.So back to 12'o'clock,a few random calls and tears later,I begin my sulky day/night with a discussion on ghosts(?).I also realised that It was the first time that I wasn't home on my birthday night :/ and probably that was another reason I was so tensed and worked up.*yes,I'm weird*
Birthdays urge everybody around you to force you into happiness.now you might wonder how that could be bad!but anything you're being forced into is a potential bugger!And specially for people like me who are anyway so anti birthdays.
But time does pass...and the day's over and gone :)
nevertheless thank you for all the gifts,the wishes*from people who matter*,smiles,the effort.I probably cant react anymore,which is why my mom decided to end my birthday by calling me cynical.but honestly I appreciated whatever my friends and family did for me.I love you.

there's nothing new about fire.

absence of contentment has been so consistent that I've almost forgotten any feeling even close to the same.nothing wants to be simple anymore.I can't put it any more blatantly,I'm disturbed.A feeling which doesn't seem to go away.

there are a zillion things I feel.But as of now I'd like to stop.stop and look back.without feeling anything,without any regrets.I find it strange that there so many thoughts attached to every single thing that we do.I would like for once to just do things,without putting in years of thinking.To be able to be happy with whatever I choose.to be lucky for a change.And since there are so many things I want...am pretty sure I won't get more than half of them.the strangest part is I don't know how to feel better and trust me I need to get out of this feeling.I hate everything.

feels like you're running?

if it isn't rubbed in,it isn't pain.
innumerable investigations took me to the conclusion that it doesn't take much to hurt.whether it is,what we know as,ego or it is more of an emotional pain.And one very interesting piece of info I grabbed was that we can so lovingly injure ourselves,on our own that it looks like someone else did it!
A huge part of what I just said stems from the frosted,unclear facts that I base my life on.I choose*with most of my senses working* to face reality(if that is what it is) with a shadowed sense of working.It takes me a lot of time to figure out that I'm on the wrong track.
but nevertheless I DO figure out.then again I choose not to change much but to hold on/
It doesn't help much and it isn't even supposed to.I can only move fast enough to leave others thinking.I'm good at that.there isn't much sense,probably, in what I say.And you won't find it even if you look for it.
I think it comes as a part of being me.

My fish won't breathe till death

this is probably to get me out of the hot and cold effects of being 'affected'.

trust me,there's not an ounce of it that I like of it.so much so for 'looking through' people!man,do I have wrong ideas about myself!the question, however,is whether I should actually have any idea of myself at all.I'd like to answer that in the affirmative.It doesn't harm me as much as being absolutely clueless.I'd like to think that I DO know stuff about myself.Its better than having others tell you what you're like.

Anyhow,am really,tremendously looking forward to some trip.dharmshala,hrishikesh any damn place would do!_____________there are sometimes when you're so shy or embarrassed to admit your feelings.THIS is that 'sometime'.and I wish I didn't have to go through this sometime,but I'm overburdened with LUCK.

My intuition*another one of those ideas about myself*is strangely strong.I truly believe it is.but when it points at some random thing which in the end does not happen,my intuition gets this huge blow.it's like the ego getting hurt.only, in my case my intuition gets hurt.So yea.

then I happily mix my intuition with some dumb.muddled up feelings of mine.and the concoction is known as "negative confusion" .It negates every bit of hope and pure happiness attached to something making me distrust others.The blame's on me.I do it invariably.whenever my intuition fucks up.

So THAT is how I end up getting to this static-o!positively the greatest mood fucker.I don't know if I feel forgotten or cheated,at this point.I know that I'm still not in a hurry.I was but not now.even if I wander,I do come back.just that I don't find anyone waiting.

I delete while I write**

my beeping computer isn't much help when I'm trying to keep myself from studying.I'm being warned about low disc space, which is quite an obvious thing to happen in my case.The innumerable pictures and music that me and my sister have and the shitty programs that I hardly use, all of this put together leave me with free space of a meagre 19.0 MB.phew.
sO here I am trying to do everything that I can before my Pc crashes.I think it's going to,anytime soon.
Today was hardly a day of surprises.besides my heartless exam paper of course.And now I have two more days to go before I face another one of these question papers.what is surprising is*applicable only for those who don't know me*,I'm not studying.No,not at all.In fact I'm here waiting for next year FIFA World Cup.the whole excitement in supporting my favorite team*and eventually watch them lose :(* is sorta painful but more than fun.I wish I wasn't over cricket.I wish I still enjoyed it as much as I did about 5-6 yrs back.sigh.but I'm truly hoping Germany will surely make it this time.**please please please**.
I think I need to find new things to do now.I must be bored to actually make sense in my blogs.

ill and fancied.

a few clicks,a few miles away.a ring.you let out some temporary laughs at your lesbian partner trying to set you up/you'll ideally feel ditched but this "pretty,bong girl" feels differently...always.
She traces truths and lies like she wasn't blind.But still falls flat,everytime.
she breathes some air and hides.hoping to find shoe laces** when she writes,
but A faceless being is watching,the noise it makes is annoying.
She runs to save her life but she's caught,damn her eyesight!!

**if you're reading you'll know

make useless of.

experience tells you to learn.but you refuse.

I am selfish,that's how I am.I can't,like others,think for everyone else.So while I do one wrong thing after another I feel like a pro.but it seems that I'm not.appearances are deceptive and THAT is what is wrong with me.My appearance.I look like a 'harmless'*jokes apart*,selfless being.and to make matters worse,I'm not even close!

a joyous moment later,I realise that things get back to normal.you know,'normal'.the normal that I don't quite like.I know where I am...that I make others feel sorta bad.

you're enclosed.

a wine and cherried bed sheet and the flowy white sheers.the perfect place to romanticise my thoughts and my reality.somehow the romantic part ends right after it starts.Picturesque?yea,well I mean I'd start off anywhere.sometimes I just don't know what to say and when to say it.This was one such awkwardly handled situation.ah,but life moves on!
we're this stranded group(two people qualify as a group,don't they?).doubled into this huge figureless entity.Expected to be put together.Well,we're not.
surprisingly, there isn't any smoke.just water.there's a terrible attempt at making some dish called Maggie.the phone,which won't ring.and a weak but working mind.
Let's say this wasn't a start.Let's just say we were trying to avoid what we can't define...I guess they call it reality.

does love taste bitter?

there are so many things I don't know that it sort of puts me off.it lets me think.more.more than I should.I am not comfortable sharing.not at all.and it includes friends.I guess I'm pretty much of a loser and other people(read friends) having a life of their own doesn't go down to well with me.there are things I wish I knew.but I don't.I find out from people who are so not connected.then I wonder if I actually scare people off,making things uncomfortable for them(and me!!)

I don't know really know how to take it.and I feel sorry for pretending to know people really well.I don't.I can't.

and no matter how much I try I'll probably be equally clueless ten years down the line.I don't seem to know who's important and I can't find out.It's worse cause I fail to see things the way 'others' do.I'm pretty cold that way...but it doesn't mean I don't care.and I guess finally I see a reason to actually say it out aloud.but nobody seems to be listening.

catch me everytime.

changes are So passionate.you can love 'em or hate 'em but can't ignore them.Today was one of those days,days where changes become a little more visible than usual.I know,I can crib about how things were beautifully different just yesterday and how now they're so annoyingly...changed,but honestly I don't hate things as much as people would like to believe.

At least now,it's ok to be the third or fourth most important person in someone's life.It's also ok to say good bye.as long as you know that you'll stay,change can't take you away.

jealousy.enormously huge egos.fights.misunderstandings.I've faced most of these with I think very little respect and courage.after a long phase of 'awkwardness'...when I look back,I know I'm going to see myself at fault.but when I don't...that is where I think the problem starts.this is purely for me...I don't want to hold any sort of grudge against anyone.and I hope you will teach me how to let go of things.It's important for me to face things with nothing negative. let others know me for what I am.and I pray I have the courage to do that.courage and patience to face changes as and when they come.

life in writing

the strangest part about philosophy is dealing with it.philosophy defines and works around life.our life.yours.mine.having studied how immaterial this material world is,one might feel shallow being "materialistic".true,maybe it's true.maybe this dumb world isn't worth it at all.and how at times you wish you were detached,ABOVE all these things.but like advaitins(as far as I know)said you might be detached but as long as you're living in this world...this is your reality.

the theory of momentariness doesn't mean shit when you deal with life.no matter how momentary,grief is grief.

death remains death.haven't I spoken about death before?it's sorta hard to deal with.actually it depends.I wish it could be joked about.wish it was just momentary.suprise...it isn't.

so I was saying...

argh.apologies for the mental turbulence.wait,who was I apologising to?just yesterday 'we' were speaking of mental notes and how we lose them on the way to the blog.in the bus, the metro, while having coffee,speaking to friends,while doing all of this, I'm taking super fast notes on whatever is bloggable.technically, every freakin' thing on this planet is blog-able.but that's not the point.
but by the time I reach the keyboard to type I am blank.No,seriously...I don't think you'll see my immense frustration but it is so fucking annoying!I'm stuck staring at the stupid screen till I randomly derive something out of my head to scribble about(actually,scribble isn't the right word).I guess am a theoretical blogger...if that is any term(?)
Although right now,is different.it is a result of multi-tasking that I've misplaced my blog content and now am writing about that.I'm sure it makes no sense except maybe to my lesbian partner;)


P.S:I love controversy!

the great attention saga

of late I've felt a little more important than usual.can't disclose why cause that'll sort of shatter my ever pretentious image.was wondering how important attention is,I mean I know it is but what can you do to get it?If I wasn't scared of being judged, I would've done a lot but I'm too scared about what people'll say.Also,I realised, I don't give much attention either.and when I do,I end up feeling desperate.oh and not to forget that people take turns to walk over me and I happily stare at them pretending i don't care.

It's nice to have someone showering you with attention but the kind of person I am,I'm not happy with anything.one minute I like all the attention and the other I absolutely hate it.and this phase, all this importance...everything,I'm so afraid to lose it.I don't want to get out of it.I hate retrospect.cause it makes me realise that am a sucker for attention,that maybe I'm dependent on others for my own happiness,that as a person I'm...well,I guess I'm weak.but then I'm not good at changing either.