me Vs me

there's a feeling, no less sober but a lot more peaceful.a feeling that I crave for. a feeling that's separated from this unrest.

From memories that I want to treasure to memories that I would like to discard. From ambitions that I wouldn't care about to passions that lie unfulfilled.

A lot many things try to settle inside me and many more that try to fight.

retired. hurt. :(

cheers to you

some amount of uncertainty. some confusion. quite a bit of happiness and quite a bit of guilt. That is pretty much what surrounds me, my life. When you 'move on', a lot begins to change. For me, accepting the change was difficult but eventually I gave in. I realised I can't always have the best of both worlds. You gain some, you lose some. I did.
Let me be honest, I did lose some things I never wanted to give up on but at the same time I also gained. I found something I'll treasure and cherish all my life. A very important part of me. In the process, I discovered a different side to me. A side that some love and many detest. I must have changed.
Life has. My priorities have. The problem here, crops up when I start thinking. Thinking about people. Thinking about how I used to be.
I do not want to regret things. I have had enough of that. I want to be happy with what I am doing. Not just for the moment, but even in future. I do not want to be ashamed. I should be able to face people, be responsible for every action of mine. Right now, I'm not. I try and escape things that try to oppose my decisions, my actions. I am in a phase where all I can see is me. And I realise that. Right now I am selfish. And sooner or later it will hit me. What will follow is regret.
At the moment, I don't see a way out. I care, not like I don't but the reasons behind everything I do kind of take over me. I realise what I am doing, and it makes me happy. But when I begin thinking about what it does to others, it bothers me.
I hate regret. But more than that, I hate unhappiness.

the mind that stopped thinking

a part of me is delighted and the rest, nervous. The moment I have to think too hard to write this blog, I know I'm forcing myself, that I shouldn't continue. So, today after a month or more, as I finally let my fingers do the talking, I feel uncertain. I'm not sure of what I want to say. I have nothing on my mind, or maybe just too many. Whatever the case, all I know is that today I write just for the love of it. For the fact that I couldn't, for so many days and also, for the fact that I might not be able to, for a long time.

While I was busy wishing for a great job, loads of money and a big commercial career, I forgot two things. One, that I'm getting into advertising, that too as a writer and two, that all these dreams of earning big and getting a job and blah blah, take away a lot. I don't know how right I am, but I don't think any thing's worth it if it takes you away from yourself.

But no matter how much I pledge, how much I resolve, it seems futile. I've become one of them, those who'll know nothing beyond what they do... annoyingly limited.

And that's the last thing I want to do, I don't want to get stuck somewhere and settle down for the lack of an option. I don't want to get addicted to neglecting things and people I love.

And I wish I could let people know the same...

make way, please!

More than a few kilometers away from the humble colonies that surround my home, stands a madhouse. A house of craze, of action, of everything new. A house of the nocturnals.

Where night is the life. Where they feed on ideas, on passion.

On a dull day, they'd use their machines as temporary tools to get rid of the boredom in the air.

They'd play, laugh, be mad. And with the night they'd get crazier.

A madhouse, where I want to belong.

And even being here, I don't.

Lack of passion? Or the madness? Maybe both.

It's the co-existence. The unfamiliarity.

Work? You bang the tables, fuck the norms.Go against the flow. No restrictions.

Deadlines, yes. And they keep them too. The madhouse, with reasons to be the way the world won't let you be.

this one doesn't end.

Sundays, I must confess, are more fun without a nagging headache.That's just an opinion though, not really complaining.

The day's been pretty slow.And the mood's sort of unsettled.Have spent a good amount of the day listening to Indian Classical music, it calms you down somehow.It seems very typical, to say that, but it does.I mean, it puts restlessness to rest.So, I'm doing that.Settling my unsettled feelings through music.

I think there's too much happening, and I'm not even sure if I'm comfortable with what is.It becomes more difficult because there are too many opinions, people always seem to know what others should be doing.Honestly, I'm very comfortable being clueless, being confused, going with the flow and not knowing what's going to happen next.But then apparently thats not how things are meant to be.I'm not sure if I even have a problem with the hourly advices that I keep getting.I mean, it seems okay, its pretty cool if people care.But then I don't know, sometimes, I'd like to figure out things myself.Do things on my own, the way I want to, without anybody telling me what to do.

the gift of lost.

The journey had just about ended, there's no romanticising that.Now, it is the beginning of return, of getting back to the 'real' life, which in my case, hasn't still quite happened but then that's a different story.But the lights had just been dimmed, when every single thought in and around me started telling me that I'm less than prepared for reality.For the pressures it holds, maybe even the aptitude it demands.And while there's a part in me wanting to deny it, a major part of me agrees.
This major part is more discouraging, because it believes that I can't and that the minor part doesn't like.
Why would it be so hard to believe and so easy to do the exact opposite?Why wouldn't faith come naturally to me?The times when I laugh over my failures, do I really think I'm not affected?Or am I actually not affected?
And so the noise won't stop.The thoughts are sort of stale, but they still seem to stay.
And one ill-effect of being ill that too for so long is that you have too much time to think.Which I choose to exercise.And not really for my benefit.
I don't see too much of main stream in me, I want to know if I'm fit for it.Is there way to find out whether I've grown out of comfort shell?And as I write this line, the answer comes right into my head... No-
And whatever phase this is, I don't feel like trusting people.I don't know what they mean and if they mean it or not.I don't know which is sympathy.I can't even recognize friendship anymore.
As for getting back to 'reality', I'm not very good at doing that anyway but I'll try from Monday, hopefully, if my intestines and liver and whoever allow me to.

the worm inside

A sigh of relief and disappointment, the lack of understanding for managerial crap is responsible for the latter.Actually I'm quite bored of my disinterest in most of the things I do.I'm bored of under-estimating myself.Well, this does not in any way mean that I'm going to change or anything, I was sorta just letting it out.
Anyhow, I'm a day closer to Pondicherry, not that I'm looking forward to it ( see, this is what I mean!!disinterest!) There are trillions of things that I'm supposed to be doing in the 24hrs that'll follow.And of these trillion things, I like only one, catching up with my friends!
Since today I got done with my papers and I had spare time to hang out with friends, my freakin' head chose to hurt like crazy, which made me want to de-attach it from my body.Nevertheless, precious time wasn't wasted.Sanjay vun was happily explored, the crescent was spotted after a lot of hard work, pornographic drawings drawn on the rocks for future reference, and some fire was lit.
Pretty much like old times, minus a few people, actually minus a lot of people.People I would've liked to meet before Pondi.
The day, like any other, was a day of learning.Today's realisation (s) were that eggs don't make good friends and second, people might not be as cool as you think they are (just a little better off than others but that's it.)One more shitty piece of learning was that virtual crushes suck! And big time.
Am too tired to explain the above, specially the part about the egg, my head can probably burst any minute.later.

philosophies of an ad person

The times when Sunday refuses to feel like a Sunday, is the time you have a paper on Monday.Yup.Ideally, I should be in bed.Snug, with my big fat Advertising Management book for company.And I definitely should not be staring at the blank, uneventful sky.*yawn*
All this, just to say that I miss philosophy.(I never knew I could actually miss Rawls...that was one man who refused to make any sense to me).Sigh.And here I am, reading why I should go around segmenting the market.well, I don't want to know.Just take me to Pondicherry, dude.

P.T:Being stuck at an overgrown school can be quite a piss off.The atmosphere is so confused that it gets to me.The institute makes me feel like a wannabe MBA grad , which is... sadness multiplied by infinity.
P.S: Post thoughts (P.T)

going, going... gone!

Sometimes,somethings are so pointless, that they're not even worth explaining.For some, listening to others seems to be one of these things.Pointless.For me, its trying to talk to my dad.
It's really a big surprise that he still manages to breathe,with the condition he's in; it really is.Maybe you think he's the type who won't give up easily.Wrong.He's the type who won't even try ... 'cause living in denial seems to be a better option.
So what do you do when you see your father abuse his health, see him mock your concern? Well, nothing at all.You watch the action and then forget about it.Or better still, you head straight to the blog.
Then there's a lot of bull crap you listen to, about how 'man has to die'.Really?I wonder if that's the point.
The easiest way to ward off people, as I learnt from my father, is to either make them detest you or to just make them scared of you.This way, you never have to listen to anybody else, nobody at all.This is freedom, bliss, where everybody else suffers, you do too but then that doesn't matter.All that matters is that you create chaos and negativity, enough for everybody to take.How generous.
If I could leave right now.I would.Even if I didn't have anywhere to go to.If I could blame God, I would.And if I could do anything to change the way things are, I would.
But the worst part, is that I can't do a thing.
All I can do, is to wait.

P.S:This isn't what I meant when I said that I needed something to blog about.

watch your step!

I figure merging in with the background would be a lot more easier than having to fight for a space in the overflowing, vast pool of competitive geniuses.I don't dare to contest these beautifully creative minds.In fact, I think I'm incapable of.Probably, my lack of abilities can be described by my happiness with being a spoon or bowl or any other such inanimate object in a Shakespeare play...you get the drift,right?
At the same time, I guess I occasionally need someone to tell me that I'm good with something.Even if its being a spoon.I think everybody wants that from others.But, for a few people,I think, its a lot more difficult to appreciate or show respect for others.For these few, what's more important is letting others know how useless they are and how they're misfits in this competitive world.
So, waking up to greetings like 'hello mediocre, come, let me screw your happiness' isn't always a very enjoyable feeling.And what's funny is, how incredibly tolerant I can become with such overbearing people.Either that or I'm too scared to open my mouth!
*fuck you*!

takes away nothing.

in about 40 more minutes, my dad turns 60.As opposed to making the day special for him, we made it a little more chaotic than usual.And as it turns out, I don't handle chaos quite well.specially internal ones, the ones that are not clear.
Happiness, I realised, is very difficult to find.Or let's say, unhappiness is an easier state of mind, something that is more natural.What comes naturally to us, is being caught up.Caught up in this strange circle, where you can take as many rounds as possible and never really reach any thing concrete.What comes naturally to us, is picking out personal conflicts and placing them ahead of ourselves, our friends, family.It's so easy to lose faith, at least for me.to not believe in yourself and equally difficult to do the opposite.
I think, I learnt too much for one day.And part of it was serious unwilling learning.While I learnt that it's necessary to know the limitations of your dreams and to be aware that a dream is just that and it probably won't ever turn into reality, I also learnt that being emotionally strong is extremely important in order to allow yourself to grow.
From how I see it, my identity crisis of sorts is to a large extent, responsible for the way I feel about things and the way I react.There are so many things which I'm not even ready to face.And I dread accepting them as a part of myself.I find it quite pathetic that I'm not sure of what I am.That I don't know who I love or hate.That I have this innate urge to be liked and be accepted.But strangely enough, I don't dislike my confusion.I think that in the midst of all this chaos, it leaves me with some space to think and relate with something within.
I see a lot of things around which I desperately want to change.Instead of just feeling bad about them, I'd like to do something about them but most of the times it seems so improbable and it seems like such a struggle that it's very easy to give up.And more often than not, that's what I do.But I want to change that.I want to deal with things instead of running away from them.I want my conversations with dad to be that, more like they were a few years back and not constant nagging sessions.20 minutes into his birthday and we've already made a futile attempt at getting him to take care of himself.I am tired of losing patience and giving up when I see no other way.Anyway, I was hoping the day would start a little differently but apparently it was way too different for my liking.I just hope that at the end of 60 years of my life, I'm not full of remorse.

It isn't this easy.

It can be a source of incredible amusement, how every now and then am worried about dying.And not only that.I also manage to come up with a new disease, or some fatal illness which I could probably have.This time, within a span of 3 weeks, I've thought of two such diseases.*It might be a result of sitting at home, unwell, for almost a week now*Such was my despair, that I actually got myself checked for one and now tomorrow I shall be going for another.The latest one, is mouth cancer.It was unnerving, to say the least, to go through a couple of images related to oral cancer.It would make you want to quit smoking right then.Unfortunately , one always figures that such things happen to 'someone else'. Nevermind that, but whatever you do, don't ever google mouth cancer images.they're scary!

I guess when you smoke you're constantly aware that something can go wrong with you or that you're always under some sort of life threat and at some point of time, this kind of gets to you.the way its getting to me.And ideally, one should give it up.But somehow things work out differently.You never end up taking health warnings seriously plus addiction is such a high that you hardly feel like getting rid of it.Am in no mood to quit.Just in case.But sometimes it does get tiring, trying to hide stuff, being scared, everything!Am just trying to push this 'unwell' phase away.And after having given up on monsoon, am hoping for winters!yea, already!

P.S today is 13th and not 8th as my blog would like me to believe!!

playing humans.

a house of strangers.friends in bed. a pianist, a song.A canvas in red.
red wine and lovers.lonely and scared.
of falling in love with what they had shared.

a meaningless conversation with myself results in strange outcomes.
Seven long and continuous hours of college and an additional two hours of waiting, leads to a crappy mood, a fucked up back and frustration.Being the sceptical person that I am, I wasn't quite sure of how my first day at college was going to be.Well, as it turns out.I learned.More about people and less about advertising.

• some people love to generalise
• some people are vegetarians because they love animals...and they believe that "if you love your boyfriend, you won't chop him up and consume him".
• some people are so bright *read above observation*
• some people are just confortable being themselves, wherever and with whoever.

Today was also the first day I went to Village Cafe and didn't crib about how sad the place is.I didn't really have an option.So, before I get back to my exciting life at SACAC on thursday and visit village cafe again, I thought I should remind myself about how tremendously enlightening and lively the day had been.GOd!!

Scratching a Brain to Pull out a Dream.

There isn't much about disappointment that we don't know.It hurts and quite evidently.But sometimes deconstructing the feeling is harder than one would think, so while I was in the middle of feeling stupid and trying real hard to hold back some sensitive tear glands from leaking, I didn't even know if the disappointment I felt was real.
After a relatively easy and subjective entrance, the next step was the interview.My first one, at that.Banking solely on my passion for the subject and my luck*which by the way never works,as shall be proved,AGAIN*, I walked into the room.My interview, to cut a long story short, was good.It's nice to know what people think of your work, especially if they're appreciative!Basically, everything went smoothly and my morale was more than satisfied.But then happy endings aren't a fad anymore.
The catch, was a pretty obvious one.Assumptions always screw things up for me.A camera,I was told, is compulsory and it obviously has to be a SLR.So I'm provided with the specifications,which end up being something around 60,000.*ouch* -my tear glands-
This is when I feel stupid, by the way.
I know the whole deal about money not being the only thing in the world, but one can't do without it.The thought of asking my parents, who are ever-willing, to spend close to two lakhs, on a course which doesn't even guarantee me a job, is sort of unfair.It is, no matter how much people convince me against it.The guilt is way too much to handle.I can't depend on people for life, it's not done somehow.
I am in love with photography and probably if I had that kind of family money,I wouldn't think about it so much .But the fact is, I don't.And I feel, the right thing to do would be to postpone this to a few years later, where I can depend on myself.and support my passions on my own.

rub some lamp someone!

Nothing is quite settled, not yet.I finally found a decent institute which offers a specialised course in photography.So, while I'm happy about that, I still have one more entrance where I can fail.The only difference is that I'm passionate about photography, it's something I've been wanting to do.For long.So, am sort of banking on it.if you sit for ten thousand entrances and clear one, it doesn't do much good for your morale, you know!

Peel your skin and show me your true color

back to the present.no one could probably take away the feeling of helplessness from me.I'm not sure what I expected.Maybe too much.and maybe it was unfair on my part to do so.the saddest part is that I'm not sorry anymore.If forgiveness is so distant an option then probably I don't deserve it anyway.So I'll let that be.but what is strange is that the person who's guilty in the true sense of the word was let off so easily.and I've probably never been this vocal anywhere,let alone my blog but Neil you're sick.I'm amazed how calmly you can put the blame on others.and I swear I can kill you right now,trust me I really can.I hate you and I hate what you did.and I hope you suffer,forever.not only for cheating on my friend but for ruining things for us.you'll suffer and that's all I'm praying for.

trust me,my previous attempts at blogging to make myself feel better weren't successful but this one made some difference for sure.that asshole.rot in hell,you freak.R O T in H E L L.

nothing shines like the falling light

the price you pay for the things you do is so not worth it.I'm a total believer in the whole 'what goes around comes around' concept and am so sure I'll suffer some day.But that's not
something that bothers me as of now,I'd like to think am prepared and if not that,then at least aware of the consequences of what I do.But somehow that still hasn't stopped me from doing what I do.
I feel like this crude bitch sometimes,actually,most of the times.I do miss the fun sometimes and although it might look impossible now but we did have fun.Now it looks more like two random people staying in the same house.I feel no sympathy or anything to that effect but that doesn't stop from believing that I still care.I just can't show it any longer.And I do feel like putting an end to it.To stop things from getting this strange.But it somehow makes very little sense after a point of time.And as much as I detest it,it's not going to leave me or so it seems for a very long time.And both of us are responsible,I wouldn't blame it on any one of us.

I don't hope for things to go back to my paradise,cause there isn't one.

the spare house.

the deepest,darkest secrets are sometimes so untrue that they have to be let out.And I'm dying to let mine out as well and probably I have,just that they didn't quite register.or weren't taken seriously.they're fantasies I believe,something that I'm waiting to live in.It's such blurr of excitement,all at once that my alternate life sort of goes for a six.and I'm stranded alone with the 'real' me,thinking where does reality begin?

I don't lack much, in terms of friends or family.love or hate.I have a piece of everything,then what's missing?why do I need to live in something that isn't.why doesn't reality hurt me or is it the hurt that I'm trying to avoid?and the worst part is that I don't see the mess.and trust there's a lot of it.It's muddled up and insane,in a not so cool way.So there's hardly much that is 'normal' about me.and my only refuge is virtual.

the green smoker's lonely bed.

there ain't no upcoming rainbow,

no shadows in the rain...

no coffee shop lovers,

but you stick around in vein.

a meaningful white star,

stares back at you and says...

you leave me but I'll follow,

so you wait t'll the night stays.

the magic lamp's ancient,

and wishes are so stale...

but you keep rubbing it,day 'n' night

you believe in fairy tales.

so you...

ask me not to leave and ask me not to stay.

you ask me to just take you,take you far away.