Paranoid lessons.

Return. Hmm. I like the word and the way it sounds but I don't quite fancy this word for its meaning. Okay, I'll be specific...I don't like the word for the meaning it holds in my life.

It's never been "good to be back" for me, I've never cherished returning to places that usually hold a lot of importance in a person's life. So whether it's school, college even or my first work place, given an opportunity I'd almost positively, never like to return. Oh yes, of course I had fun and believe it or not, I did have friends (surprisingly I still do)! There's really not a reason I can find for me to hesitate going back to any of the places I just mentioned. But then again, I see no reason for me to return either.

There's something about returning to such places, I can't do it right. I think I fear being asked questions that I won't have the answers to. I fear being told that I've not changed a bit, or maybe that I have changed too much. Maybe it's not me, maybe it's the place, the people who have changed.

While my so called fear does manage to override most of my decisions, I don't feel as afraid when it comes to returning to people. Strange? I think so. I can be angry, humiliated, hurt or pleased, it really makes no difference. No, no...I'm not clingy!

It's just that things are so much easier when you don't have to fight, or leave and say good-bye. Especially with people you love. The ones you call your own. I might not be at fault, I may be the one who's been wronged but after a point all that doesn't matter, right?

Sadly enough though, most people I know preach the same but don't really practice it. Well, some of them don't preach it either. And in a way, I'm sure they're happier because they can "let go". But is it really worth it? Am I putting my self-esteem and other similar words at risk? I guess but over time I've learnt how it's really not so cool to be detached. Or even pretend to be the same. And if you've really chosen the path of detachment, then why discriminate, right? Why detach yourself from people around you but not the things around you?

For me, relationships really aren't that easy to ignore. I've got my ego but I'd like to think it's just the right amount, which is why usually it stays out of the way. 

Here begins the life without you...

Have you noticed that it's often more easy to express happiness, grief and anger than it is to express loss? How do you describe what you feel when you lose a friend or a family member or your life partner ? How do you express yourself without stating the obvious?

A loss is a loss is a loss. And that's as realistic as it can get. But even in this hard-hitting, pragmatic little world, there are a few things that slow us down. A few circumstances that make us think, feel and react. Unfortunately or fortunately, we're humans. And in most cases, we're born with this super ability to express what we feel. However, when it comes to expressing the loss of a loved one, we often have too much or too little to say. Maybe, I should just speak for myself. Maybe it's only me and maybe this is only a mind block. But no matter what it is, there is a constant urge to find myself an outlet. To say what I feel. For me, this is just a way to remember those whom I've lost and will always miss.

After many failed attempts, I've finally managed to write. I write for Zenia, our 9yr old "baby" Labrador, even though I know she isn't here to read this. But considering she wasn't too much of a reader anyway, let's just hope that she's listening, like she always did.

It's been close to two weeks since that early Tuesday morning when we lost her. And things just haven't been the same. Without any bias, I've never met a more content soul. In fact, my sister and I envied her for the carefree life that she led. Which pretty much meant sleeping, eating and sleeping some more. For the past few months, life was a little less comfortable for Zin Din. We knew she was getting older, we also knew that she wasn't exactly in absolute health and even then life managed to catch us off guard on the 27th of September.

Those who know me would agree that I'm not too optimistic a person. More often that not I tend to ignore the brighter side of things. But when it came to Zenia, it was different. I was almost sure, positive that she'll see it through. Despite being diagnosed with multiple problems, I was convinced that she would be back to her lazy, always hungry self. We all experienced bouts of negativity but we were pretty sure that we won't give up so soon. The thing with pets is that they rely on you. They trust you to take care of them. Their faith in you is so powerful that it gives you the strength to fight. Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose. But sometimes you just don't know what you're fighting. Was her death inevitable? I certainly didn't think so till the last few hours she spent with us. Even as I watched her go, I secretly hoped that she'd get better. She didn't. She passed away at the break of dawn but thankfully her suffering wasn't prolonged.

Our home feels empty. There's pretty much nothing that doesn't remind us of her. The best part about Zenia was that she shared different relationships with each of us. In the past 9 years, she gave each one of us our very own 'Zenia moments' to remember her by. My memories of her are so happy that it's difficult not to smile when thinking of her. But life isn't quite the same. I miss having her around, chasing her new found enemies, the two kittens outside our house. I miss coming back home and finding Zenia sitting outside the kitchen, waiting for dinner. I miss waking her up just to annoy her. I just miss her. She was and always will be such a special part of our lives.

By now, our peace loving lab must have found herself a happy place. And no matter where she goes, I'm sure she's never going to be too far away from us.

cheers to you

some amount of uncertainty. some confusion. quite a bit of happiness and quite a bit of guilt. That is pretty much what surrounds me, my life. When you 'move on', a lot begins to change. For me, accepting the change was difficult but eventually I gave in. I realised I can't always have the best of both worlds. You gain some, you lose some. I did.
Let me be honest, I did lose some things I never wanted to give up on but at the same time I also gained. I found something I'll treasure and cherish all my life. A very important part of me. In the process, I discovered a different side to me. A side that some love and many detest. I must have changed.
Life has. My priorities have. The problem here, crops up when I start thinking. Thinking about people. Thinking about how I used to be.
I do not want to regret things. I have had enough of that. I want to be happy with what I am doing. Not just for the moment, but even in future. I do not want to be ashamed. I should be able to face people, be responsible for every action of mine. Right now, I'm not. I try and escape things that try to oppose my decisions, my actions. I am in a phase where all I can see is me. And I realise that. Right now I am selfish. And sooner or later it will hit me. What will follow is regret.
At the moment, I don't see a way out. I care, not like I don't but the reasons behind everything I do kind of take over me. I realise what I am doing, and it makes me happy. But when I begin thinking about what it does to others, it bothers me.
I hate regret. But more than that, I hate unhappiness.

the passenger

In the midst of a mildly disturbed yet seemingly pleasant atmosphere, there are a few things that I'm made to realise.It's not realisation really, it's more of recognizing an inability.
There are things that you can control and things that you can't control.It's not like when you're controlling things you're better off or anything, in fact if anything goes wrong you only have yourself to blame.Yet, not being able to do anything about a situation somehow, makes it worse.
Things don't always happen the way you want them to.People don't always do what you want them to.People think differently, behave differently.They deal with things differently.And after a point, they can't be told what to do or even, how to do it?Sometimes its annoying and most times its the feeling of helplessness that kicks in when I'm not sure of how much I can do to change things.Specially when it involves people close to me.
I find the words 'second chance' extremely dicey.It's almost like putting your trust, your emotions, at stake.But at the same time, I feel that giving up something you love so much and is worth your trust without even trying is sort of unfair.But then how do you decide who's worth your love? Is it a good idea to allow others to decide for you?
I don't know what's bothering me.The fact that there's something wrong happening and I can't do much or the stupidity attached to the entire notion of love.Who cares anyway.It's just one of those things I'll pass by.right?

playing humans.

a house of strangers.friends in bed. a pianist, a song.A canvas in red.
red wine and lovers.lonely and scared.
of falling in love with what they had shared.

a meaningless conversation with myself results in strange outcomes.
Seven long and continuous hours of college and an additional two hours of waiting, leads to a crappy mood, a fucked up back and frustration.Being the sceptical person that I am, I wasn't quite sure of how my first day at college was going to be.Well, as it turns out.I learned.More about people and less about advertising.

• some people love to generalise
• some people are vegetarians because they love animals...and they believe that "if you love your boyfriend, you won't chop him up and consume him".
• some people are so bright *read above observation*
• some people are just confortable being themselves, wherever and with whoever.

Today was also the first day I went to Village Cafe and didn't crib about how sad the place is.I didn't really have an option.So, before I get back to my exciting life at SACAC on thursday and visit village cafe again, I thought I should remind myself about how tremendously enlightening and lively the day had been.GOd!!

"The Lazy Sunday" Post

the sound of guitar strings and my excited father, who's strumming them, can be quite distracting.But in a peaceful, calm way.I can almost never see my father just sitting and enjoying some good music, or reading a book, sipping on coffee.So THIS, is quite a change.
I think life makes you feel really busy, always at a loss of time.And the thought of relaxing is just a random thought passing by.
As for me, I think I've been doing 'nothing' for too long.I need to get my ass off this chair and start doing something for a change.And I'm hoping the change will happen soon.The whole idea of being sixty and staying alone in a nice little cottage in Goa, is sort of scary and is evaporating.I guess when I'm over loaded with work issues and heart/lung diseases, I'll probably adopt this rosy little idea again.As of now, am praying for a lot of things.Monsoon being one of them.

Yea...I wish.

I could do with a picture!

I'm speechless.If he still doesn't know then great but he must've been drunk to not figure out...or maybe he's being nice to us.maybe.not in his nature but maybe.exam thrills aren't over yet,so glad that the fuck up didn't get back at us with ugly repercussions{read embarassment}ah...bliss again!

thank you!!:) :)

lets get back to work.

wishing star::

there's more that I could've said but I'm not too good with words.

little by little you pick the pieces

you learn to hurt but treasure and keep it

there's more than your soul

that shrinks and winces

you don't feel like fighting

guess it's all okay,

you know that you'll have us

with you always.

untitled

this is a day to be marked and remembered for all the wrong reasons.
No one knows what to call this, no one even wants to know.
we breathe in every inch of what we breathe out.It might be the vicious circle that people talk about.buried under that piercing sound, they lie in pain hoping to be found.
chaotic rushes everywhere, blood stained roads and a silent prayer.
what we wish for may not be sent but just in case we pray for an end.

peanuts.

Pretence is deadly.It is.
And I don't know if you're sick or pretending.And I want to make things better for you but guess am not trying hard enough.Please help me if you can.Try and stay.If you can.

A Bigger heart.

Nothing.A tender chunk of your bloody heart,you pick it yourself and then I start.
I dig and jab.I pull and grab.Catch every passing moment.and I chew.I sit amidst a very few.
You breathe a happy sigh,you do.I look content.And it might just be true.
And out of my mouth my love pours out.And alone I sleep,drenched;skin deep.

Her pale white hands hold the piece of white paper and her eyes read.
If I could be you and you could be me.
Then you'd know,then you'd see.

No love.

shift focus to love.Or rather lack of it.'When was the last time you wrote about love' I ask.'Love?'.
It's a risky,annoying business.That's not the answer I get but I assume that's what it could've been.'Does being alone have anything to do with it?'.My questions seem to be flat and personal.Not to mention unanswered.
There's a lot of love in this world but then there's also a lot of hatred,infact from what I see,I would like to call it contempt.She says she doesn't know how to write about what the world calls 'LOVE'.'ummm...what?'
Her answer clearly shows how far away she's from it.She doesn't know love so she can't write about it.Simple.
She spent years looking for signs of love.And never found it.'And does it make you feel sad?'.I think that is the most absurd question that one ask.And I asked it.



I still see the sky.I still see the moon.
I still feel the rain.I still see flowers bloom.
The only time I feel alone is when I hide.
And when I hide,no one comes to look.