Goodnight...

I woke up today, after four long years. Or maybe five. And my dreams seem to be pretty fresh.
In these last four or five years, I have met a number of people in my dreams. Some who have taught me a lot and some who have taught me little. Surprisingly, every single person, has taught me something or the other. Yea, even the most insignificant ones.
So, I learnt about failures, about the 'luck factor', about being clueless, about friends, about people you think you know so well, about about losing everything, about being indifferent, a little about relationships, a thing or two about love and a lot of things about life.
My dreams, however, never taught me how to live. That is something I have to learn by myself. And I'm glad. But as erratic, pleasant or even negative as my dreams may be, it gave me some of my best memories. Memories that I shall always treasure but not cling on to.

So, here's to another few years of deep slumber, some more dreams, more people. And a lot more learning. 'night.

how much sense?

I raced up and down the memory lane. I walked all the way back, to childhood, to immature teenage years, so much walking only to find out that I never wanted to be there. The hurry to grow up. To be where I am, right now. The irony, now that I'm here I wish to go back. I mean, that's not fair, is it?

this one doesn't end.

Sundays, I must confess, are more fun without a nagging headache.That's just an opinion though, not really complaining.

The day's been pretty slow.And the mood's sort of unsettled.Have spent a good amount of the day listening to Indian Classical music, it calms you down somehow.It seems very typical, to say that, but it does.I mean, it puts restlessness to rest.So, I'm doing that.Settling my unsettled feelings through music.

I think there's too much happening, and I'm not even sure if I'm comfortable with what is.It becomes more difficult because there are too many opinions, people always seem to know what others should be doing.Honestly, I'm very comfortable being clueless, being confused, going with the flow and not knowing what's going to happen next.But then apparently thats not how things are meant to be.I'm not sure if I even have a problem with the hourly advices that I keep getting.I mean, it seems okay, its pretty cool if people care.But then I don't know, sometimes, I'd like to figure out things myself.Do things on my own, the way I want to, without anybody telling me what to do.

the original message

-----The fascination, the sheer obsession, with strangers seems to catch up with me every now and then-----Anyhow, that is really not of much relevance and if it is then it involves too much of explanation which I'm probably not willing to give.
Of late, things have been irksome, disturbingly gloomy.And a lot more.When my friend mentioned that I was probably looking for some latent form of solace on the internet, I, very obviously, denied it.But then I'm urged to look deeper into the hours I spend on the net (not too many though) and guess what I find? My virtual dependence. A state of mind, thoughts in motion, activity.My brain has a happy time.Or so I think.Maybe it becomes dead, or slow.Or dead slow-----
The realisation of virtual dependence isn't something new.It was always at a sub conscious level.Till now.
I can explain my emotion in terms of the emotions of the lonely cow *the one you would adopt,usually* one finds on Farmville, when I was, all of a sudden, deprived of my daily source of the feeling of inspiration, creativity, in some ways happiness, a little bit of friendship.Explaining it isn't as easy as I presumed----And just when I was getting comfy, -there, it went away.Bizarre.Things, people, time.Everything.So the gist is, that I can never rest and be all complacent with what I think I have.I've always got to be running, running after new things, befriending new people *who cares if I'm not interested*, always be ready for something new.hop.jump.skip.and off to something new.
Wow!the constant enthusiasm is so much fun.It's almost killing me.
______________________
So here I am.Emptying out the contents of my brain.Living with terminal virtual dependency---and not regretting it.Looking for strangers, to sub consciously stimulate my brain.Dealing with some changes I'm not comfortable with, some PMS bouts, some non hormonal mood swings *which occur more often*
----
And thanks to Sonnet, The holocaust research, Maus and my pseudo intellectuality.

what do you think?

Even though you might refuse to learn but eventually you're forced to, by strangers, by family,by friends and by life.

A few things may not be as essential but they are valuable, like; 'you shouldn't head bang once you're stoned'

Over the past few years, I've also learnt how to lie, how to pretend.How to fool myself.And even though they might sound unhelpful, they're very relevant.

I've learnt to love people for who they are but that's something I haven't learnt too well, so can't really talk about that too much.
But what is relatively hard, is learning to be detached.Even among your friends.Your close ones.your not so close ones.It's hard to remain unaffected.
Somehow, it's difficult to ignore what others think, what they say or feel.More so when it's someone close.For me, the opinion of my friends and family matter a lot.And why shouldn't it.But then the problem, I believe, is being unable to let go of it.In fact it's almost a habit now, to ask for an opinion, criticism...or anything and then to dwell on it.
Honestly, I don't think I can work much on that,( that's how optimistic I am ) but then I want to, for the very simple reason that it results in increased levels of mood swings and besides I don't want to sit and brood,IT'S TIRING!
Anyhow, on a note not so disconnected, the institute reopens tomorrow.And I can't be less excited.Spending 3yrs in DU does this to you.You get so used to it that everything else sucks!No offence Mr. Aurobindo.
But then my options are so limited that it's not even funny,so there, I continue my not so exciting little journey to advertising land from tomorrow!damn!

a dream not so lost

"don't try to look behind the veil, 'cause you'll see an ugly picture."

It's been a while, actually more than a while, since I clicked some photographs or even used my camera.Somehow,I don't get that sense of satisfaction anymore.Or maybe, I gave up too soon.But that's my problem, one freakin' obstacle and I lose patience.That's what happens with most things, I lose interest because I'm so bloody impatient.

But I don't want to be bored of photography, I can't be bored of it.In fact I miss it and intend getting back to it, very soon.Hope I do.

going, going... gone!

Sometimes,somethings are so pointless, that they're not even worth explaining.For some, listening to others seems to be one of these things.Pointless.For me, its trying to talk to my dad.
It's really a big surprise that he still manages to breathe,with the condition he's in; it really is.Maybe you think he's the type who won't give up easily.Wrong.He's the type who won't even try ... 'cause living in denial seems to be a better option.
So what do you do when you see your father abuse his health, see him mock your concern? Well, nothing at all.You watch the action and then forget about it.Or better still, you head straight to the blog.
Then there's a lot of bull crap you listen to, about how 'man has to die'.Really?I wonder if that's the point.
The easiest way to ward off people, as I learnt from my father, is to either make them detest you or to just make them scared of you.This way, you never have to listen to anybody else, nobody at all.This is freedom, bliss, where everybody else suffers, you do too but then that doesn't matter.All that matters is that you create chaos and negativity, enough for everybody to take.How generous.
If I could leave right now.I would.Even if I didn't have anywhere to go to.If I could blame God, I would.And if I could do anything to change the way things are, I would.
But the worst part, is that I can't do a thing.
All I can do, is to wait.

P.S:This isn't what I meant when I said that I needed something to blog about.

rub some lamp someone!

Nothing is quite settled, not yet.I finally found a decent institute which offers a specialised course in photography.So, while I'm happy about that, I still have one more entrance where I can fail.The only difference is that I'm passionate about photography, it's something I've been wanting to do.For long.So, am sort of banking on it.if you sit for ten thousand entrances and clear one, it doesn't do much good for your morale, you know!

about a hidden victory.

the incredible amount of uncertainty attached to living your 'own' life is if nothing else then funny for sure.As far as I'm concerned,I don't quite know if I actually detest this feeling or if I'm actually ok with believing that things will fall into place.

Focused people are...well,they're different.They aren't really like me,guess I'm sure about that.in that sense,like one of my teachers once said*actually more than once*,I belong to the group of people who are happy being mediocre.Well,she was wrong,I am a mediocre,but I am not happy being one.In fact thats the kind of person I am,at least was.full of regrets. I might've changed,at least I'd like to believe that I have.But the mediocrity somehow doesn't leave me.And though not always,it does disturb me sometimes to not know how to face the tag with the heavy dose of uncertainty.Only positive thing I find is that failures don't really pinch anymore,cause I've faced way too many.

P.S::guess this is a result of giving a bad paper and losing touch with people you wouldn't want to.

I delete while I write**

my beeping computer isn't much help when I'm trying to keep myself from studying.I'm being warned about low disc space, which is quite an obvious thing to happen in my case.The innumerable pictures and music that me and my sister have and the shitty programs that I hardly use, all of this put together leave me with free space of a meagre 19.0 MB.phew.
sO here I am trying to do everything that I can before my Pc crashes.I think it's going to,anytime soon.
Today was hardly a day of surprises.besides my heartless exam paper of course.And now I have two more days to go before I face another one of these question papers.what is surprising is*applicable only for those who don't know me*,I'm not studying.No,not at all.In fact I'm here waiting for next year FIFA World Cup.the whole excitement in supporting my favorite team*and eventually watch them lose :(* is sorta painful but more than fun.I wish I wasn't over cricket.I wish I still enjoyed it as much as I did about 5-6 yrs back.sigh.but I'm truly hoping Germany will surely make it this time.**please please please**.
I think I need to find new things to do now.I must be bored to actually make sense in my blogs.

act to hide.

========arrgh=======

no morning will be as painful as tomorrow,the 17th.

reappearing for paper is a bad feeling specially when it's three times in a row!damn,am I dumb or am I dumb.

by the way,today morning was a pretty sight.no sunrise or dew drops.just the sky with a faded hint of the moon.thats a nice picture.a nice one to cover a few worries that you'd otherwise keep.anyway,all the best for my exam:(

Going with the flow ;)

Facing a terrible sense of guilt combined with pangs of pain*literal ones* isn't a great way to spend your day,not if you aren't getting your usual relief anyway.
I wish things wouldn't turn back at you and make you feel regretful all the time.I wish Ladies night could be everynight.*yea,thats pretty disconnected but it just popped into my brain from no where*
and while I'm at it,I also wish that my liver wasn't fucked up and that I could drink:(
I'm the sole deserving candidate for some sympathy man!!really!

wishing star::

there's more that I could've said but I'm not too good with words.

little by little you pick the pieces

you learn to hurt but treasure and keep it

there's more than your soul

that shrinks and winces

you don't feel like fighting

guess it's all okay,

you know that you'll have us

with you always.

everybody's changing.

You say you wander your own land

But when I think about it
I don't see how you can

You're aching, you're breaking

And I can see the pain in your eyes

Says everybody's changing

And I don't know why



So little time

Try to understand that I'm

Trying to make a move just to stay in the game

I try to stay awake and remember my name

But everybody's changing

And I don't feel the same

care for some sob?

If you're dumb enough to want a lot of things happening in your life at the same time.then think again.might not really be a good idea.since am freshly experienced,I learnt.complications are like 'bad boys',you don't know why you want them but you do>>if anybody considers this analogy weird,join the gang!
In a way am happy that I can make light out of the whole deal considering it's a favorite hobby to make fun of things.But honestly,it doesn't feel that good.
Since death seems to be in fashion,I think it caught my fancy.I must have wished for something concerning the same>>yes am weird.you'll find out>>
to feel the vaccum,the loss,isn't very great y'know.I mean you do know but sometimes loss is so sudden that it doesn't give you anytime to feel the pain and maybe that's a plus point but it doesn't make it any better.
Thinking too much about death can do two things::
1.give you what is called Thanatophobia::fear of death(freshly looked on google)
2.Or prepare you for it.or let me say get you used to the idea.
I think my case is included in the second one.hence, I'd like to think I'm emotionally stronger(than whoever).I don't know but, I feel bad about being this way.
I want to cry some more and let it out of me but it just doesn't happen and it's kinda hopeless.
I've seen way too many deaths this year and I'd want this one to be the last that I have to face.

thank you for coming back and letting us know,
that you'll be out cause it's time for you to go.
I won't hold you and I won't even cry
as I see you leave, say your final goodbye.

a different baby.

a tiresome series of events finally reach their respective ends.the great 'dicor' is more than prepared for it's 1st birthday.the keys have been found.food arranged.clothes and 'grey' stuff piled up.5'o clock and I can see the stars.It's been tiring but fun.fresh lime sodas and chilly noodles are brought in and there's more to be done.the morning isn't the usual.there are videos to make,fortunately am not a part of that.the camera needs a hand,so am at it.

wonder if it feels good 'cause it makes me feel important...maybe.Maybe,I'm too tired now.too lost to find out what's happening.too scared to ask whether everything's ok.maybe that is why my dreams replace my reality.maybe.

I'm not complaining,not too much anyway.I'm planning to let it be this way.it makes more sense...till the time I'm tired again.tired of bull shitting,of this fancy lil' mask that I like wearing.

It's time for a family photograph.So here's to you Dicor,you and your dad.Happy Birthday.

you're enclosed.

a wine and cherried bed sheet and the flowy white sheers.the perfect place to romanticise my thoughts and my reality.somehow the romantic part ends right after it starts.Picturesque?yea,well I mean I'd start off anywhere.sometimes I just don't know what to say and when to say it.This was one such awkwardly handled situation.ah,but life moves on!
we're this stranded group(two people qualify as a group,don't they?).doubled into this huge figureless entity.Expected to be put together.Well,we're not.
surprisingly, there isn't any smoke.just water.there's a terrible attempt at making some dish called Maggie.the phone,which won't ring.and a weak but working mind.
Let's say this wasn't a start.Let's just say we were trying to avoid what we can't define...I guess they call it reality.

does love taste bitter?

there are so many things I don't know that it sort of puts me off.it lets me think.more.more than I should.I am not comfortable sharing.not at all.and it includes friends.I guess I'm pretty much of a loser and other people(read friends) having a life of their own doesn't go down to well with me.there are things I wish I knew.but I don't.I find out from people who are so not connected.then I wonder if I actually scare people off,making things uncomfortable for them(and me!!)

I don't know really know how to take it.and I feel sorry for pretending to know people really well.I don't.I can't.

and no matter how much I try I'll probably be equally clueless ten years down the line.I don't seem to know who's important and I can't find out.It's worse cause I fail to see things the way 'others' do.I'm pretty cold that way...but it doesn't mean I don't care.and I guess finally I see a reason to actually say it out aloud.but nobody seems to be listening.

Not the right time...but

you don't know whether it's all that important.but you'll soon find out.
leave whatever you were holding and let it go, right now.
breathe in a new day.without your stranded memories.
breathe in.for you hold within you,what they can't see.
make your changes static.make your changes feel.
make place for a new beginning.make your changes real.

company you keep.

spider webs.all around.you know nothing can be simple.it's an image formed, a confused identity.it's your friends or whatever you want to call them.it's the your secret love, known yet a mystery.It's behind reasons that you're not ready to disclose.It's the false notion of beauty.distorted and blind.it's the self imposing pressures.you are so tied up, in all directions.your guilty pleasures, all that you claim to have.your misadventures.jaw breaking punches.waiting to surround, to pounce on you, are your fears, your peers.whether you're alone or just waiting.whether you're afraid or not, they are out to get you.your fears.your hopes.desires.wants.passions.your greed.

your empty, hollow heart.your fucked up mind.your impaired innocence.the thread you wish to hold.out there, a jungle.where nothing stays...everything's devoured.you're lost in yourself.you're breathing your last breath.