Tell the world how you failed, please?

Somewhere between struggling to find work and fighting stress, I found myself spending a lot of time on the internet. For what seemed like a very, very long time nothing constructive took place.  My life didn’t change, I didn’t find any assignments and I was NOT having fun. Everyone seemed to be having a good time, doing what they always wanted. Everyone but me. Forget getting inspired by their successes, I was almost beginning to get jealous of them! Trying times, you see. However, it wasn’t long before realization dawned upon me.

We live in a virtual world, using Facebook and Google and Twitter as platforms to communicate and to create an impression on others. We wish to look a certain way, be perceived in a certain way. I figured that if we’re all so occupied with appearances, why would we want anyone to know that we’ve failed? It’s always easier to pretend to be busy, to exercise some selective amnesia and remember only the highs and not the lows. Yes, success stories are inspiring and all that, but you can’t be successful without having faced your share of failures, right? Of course, I wasn’t alone in the struggle. People around me just chose to play up their plusses. Always.

But what’s wrong with that you ask? From my personal experience, I can tell you how intimidating it is to know that everyone else went out and became an achiever while you were still hunting for a job. It’s not only a misrepresentation but it also makes you wonder if there’s really something wrong with you. And God forbid you give into that feeling, you can say goodbye to your own little success story. Pretty much.

So, while I’m all for sharing your positive experiences, I’m a bigger fan of making the negative ones public. Nobody’s life is perfect, and it won’t ever be. That’s just not life. Life is all about the ups and downs, the highs and lows…oh you know the drill, don’t you! There really is no scope to pretend then why do it? You embrace your mistakes the same way you’d welcome your success. It’s really that simple a task but it also means that you have the guts to look failure in the eye. When you speak about how you faced rejection or the many times that you f’ed up, I believe that it shows that that you’re not scared to make mistakes. Oh, and believe it or not, it even makes your life sound a lot more interesting!

On a more serious note though, it takes tremendous courage to come out and speak about the mistakes you made and the obstacles you faced. But doing so proves to be incredibly helpful for people like me, who are out looking for some guidance and inspiration. You can’t show anyone the way to succeed but when you tell them how you failed, they at least know they’re on the right path.

Paranoid lessons.

Return. Hmm. I like the word and the way it sounds but I don't quite fancy this word for its meaning. Okay, I'll be specific...I don't like the word for the meaning it holds in my life.

It's never been "good to be back" for me, I've never cherished returning to places that usually hold a lot of importance in a person's life. So whether it's school, college even or my first work place, given an opportunity I'd almost positively, never like to return. Oh yes, of course I had fun and believe it or not, I did have friends (surprisingly I still do)! There's really not a reason I can find for me to hesitate going back to any of the places I just mentioned. But then again, I see no reason for me to return either.

There's something about returning to such places, I can't do it right. I think I fear being asked questions that I won't have the answers to. I fear being told that I've not changed a bit, or maybe that I have changed too much. Maybe it's not me, maybe it's the place, the people who have changed.

While my so called fear does manage to override most of my decisions, I don't feel as afraid when it comes to returning to people. Strange? I think so. I can be angry, humiliated, hurt or pleased, it really makes no difference. No, no...I'm not clingy!

It's just that things are so much easier when you don't have to fight, or leave and say good-bye. Especially with people you love. The ones you call your own. I might not be at fault, I may be the one who's been wronged but after a point all that doesn't matter, right?

Sadly enough though, most people I know preach the same but don't really practice it. Well, some of them don't preach it either. And in a way, I'm sure they're happier because they can "let go". But is it really worth it? Am I putting my self-esteem and other similar words at risk? I guess but over time I've learnt how it's really not so cool to be detached. Or even pretend to be the same. And if you've really chosen the path of detachment, then why discriminate, right? Why detach yourself from people around you but not the things around you?

For me, relationships really aren't that easy to ignore. I've got my ego but I'd like to think it's just the right amount, which is why usually it stays out of the way. 

Dialogue.

don't stare into that mirror, but don't you shy away. You need to face them all, you know you must stay. "But they say it all together." And they hurt you, don't they?

You don't think they understand, and you think you are to blame. They say you don't belong here, that you're just not the same. "But they said they were my friends". And they  still don't know your name?

a question from my notebook.

"The ego. A fascinating thing to exist." - from my notebook

I am not sure why I didn't date my last scribble in the colorful book I've recently become the owner of. It spoke of defeats, clashes and the importance of a larger than life ego. I wrote about it with a bit of hurt inside but more because I've always wondered why is that we find it hard to over come our ego.

I'm not sure about you, but I often confuse my ego with self respect. But then how does ending a cold war with a friend, saying sorry to the person I love affect my self respect? Why is it that I treat it as a loss?

I possess no, or very little theoretical knowledge about this fascinating thing called Ego but when it comes to the practical part, I think we're all pretty much sailing on the same boat. So, what when this all important ego of ours falls flat? What do we do when we allow our ego to be bashed up? Why does it feel like we've lost a battle?

Do we not want to end the unpleasantness? And if we do, then why is it so important to see who ends it?
Write me an answer, will you?

me Vs me

there's a feeling, no less sober but a lot more peaceful.a feeling that I crave for. a feeling that's separated from this unrest.

From memories that I want to treasure to memories that I would like to discard. From ambitions that I wouldn't care about to passions that lie unfulfilled.

A lot many things try to settle inside me and many more that try to fight.

Here begins the life without you...

Have you noticed that it's often more easy to express happiness, grief and anger than it is to express loss? How do you describe what you feel when you lose a friend or a family member or your life partner ? How do you express yourself without stating the obvious?

A loss is a loss is a loss. And that's as realistic as it can get. But even in this hard-hitting, pragmatic little world, there are a few things that slow us down. A few circumstances that make us think, feel and react. Unfortunately or fortunately, we're humans. And in most cases, we're born with this super ability to express what we feel. However, when it comes to expressing the loss of a loved one, we often have too much or too little to say. Maybe, I should just speak for myself. Maybe it's only me and maybe this is only a mind block. But no matter what it is, there is a constant urge to find myself an outlet. To say what I feel. For me, this is just a way to remember those whom I've lost and will always miss.

After many failed attempts, I've finally managed to write. I write for Zenia, our 9yr old "baby" Labrador, even though I know she isn't here to read this. But considering she wasn't too much of a reader anyway, let's just hope that she's listening, like she always did.

It's been close to two weeks since that early Tuesday morning when we lost her. And things just haven't been the same. Without any bias, I've never met a more content soul. In fact, my sister and I envied her for the carefree life that she led. Which pretty much meant sleeping, eating and sleeping some more. For the past few months, life was a little less comfortable for Zin Din. We knew she was getting older, we also knew that she wasn't exactly in absolute health and even then life managed to catch us off guard on the 27th of September.

Those who know me would agree that I'm not too optimistic a person. More often that not I tend to ignore the brighter side of things. But when it came to Zenia, it was different. I was almost sure, positive that she'll see it through. Despite being diagnosed with multiple problems, I was convinced that she would be back to her lazy, always hungry self. We all experienced bouts of negativity but we were pretty sure that we won't give up so soon. The thing with pets is that they rely on you. They trust you to take care of them. Their faith in you is so powerful that it gives you the strength to fight. Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose. But sometimes you just don't know what you're fighting. Was her death inevitable? I certainly didn't think so till the last few hours she spent with us. Even as I watched her go, I secretly hoped that she'd get better. She didn't. She passed away at the break of dawn but thankfully her suffering wasn't prolonged.

Our home feels empty. There's pretty much nothing that doesn't remind us of her. The best part about Zenia was that she shared different relationships with each of us. In the past 9 years, she gave each one of us our very own 'Zenia moments' to remember her by. My memories of her are so happy that it's difficult not to smile when thinking of her. But life isn't quite the same. I miss having her around, chasing her new found enemies, the two kittens outside our house. I miss coming back home and finding Zenia sitting outside the kitchen, waiting for dinner. I miss waking her up just to annoy her. I just miss her. She was and always will be such a special part of our lives.

By now, our peace loving lab must have found herself a happy place. And no matter where she goes, I'm sure she's never going to be too far away from us.

Day - something

Anxiety, a not so welcome part of my life. Usually, I wouldn't admit but somehow I feel a bit vulnerable today, which is why it's easier to confess. Love it or hate it, I just can't get rid of it. Well, I'm not quite sure how serious the problem is or if it's a problem at all but it surely is taking over a good part of me.
Of late, I haven't limited myself. No, not when it comes to worrying. Last time I posted about my love for worrying was when I was hit by the fear of death. Of mouth cancer to be precise. Well, that fear still stands, only that the mouth cancer has been replaced by some other not so fatal disorder. And before you call me selfish, let me tell you that I worry about other people dying too.
The Internet told me I'm a maniac or just a step short. And when I refused to agree, it gave me this.
:
Well, I won't say I felt better but the consequences of worrying about why I worry so much were mildly amusing.
That said, I don't think I can find a way out by typing search words on google. Really. I know all that. But I'm not even sure if I actually want a real answer. Maybe because for that I would have to acknowledge that I really do have a problem. And like I earlier said, I don't even know if it's a problem at all.

The dead is gone.

Inspire me. Won't you please?
-----------------------------------
His nights had been coloured
a different hue.
They exchanged no words,
but he knew it was true.
**** ****
Their memories he ate,
their love he threw.
All he kept was the hate,
and left the rest for you.

retired. hurt. :(