cheers to you

some amount of uncertainty. some confusion. quite a bit of happiness and quite a bit of guilt. That is pretty much what surrounds me, my life. When you 'move on', a lot begins to change. For me, accepting the change was difficult but eventually I gave in. I realised I can't always have the best of both worlds. You gain some, you lose some. I did.
Let me be honest, I did lose some things I never wanted to give up on but at the same time I also gained. I found something I'll treasure and cherish all my life. A very important part of me. In the process, I discovered a different side to me. A side that some love and many detest. I must have changed.
Life has. My priorities have. The problem here, crops up when I start thinking. Thinking about people. Thinking about how I used to be.
I do not want to regret things. I have had enough of that. I want to be happy with what I am doing. Not just for the moment, but even in future. I do not want to be ashamed. I should be able to face people, be responsible for every action of mine. Right now, I'm not. I try and escape things that try to oppose my decisions, my actions. I am in a phase where all I can see is me. And I realise that. Right now I am selfish. And sooner or later it will hit me. What will follow is regret.
At the moment, I don't see a way out. I care, not like I don't but the reasons behind everything I do kind of take over me. I realise what I am doing, and it makes me happy. But when I begin thinking about what it does to others, it bothers me.
I hate regret. But more than that, I hate unhappiness.

A voice over by Miv

"switch on the evil machine.The music player.Yes, the same one that played the devil's voice.Try on the black clothes and laugh, like Satan did.Satan, that's evil. The demon within.The ruler who rules hell.
Breathe, when he lets out the darkest smoke.Drink, when he pours you blood.Eat, when he gives you their souls.Devour, with greed.With loveless passion.Hate your faith, your empty religions.
Force the darkness in and you'll get the perfect world.The world that's devoid of sins."

Scratching a Brain to Pull out a Dream.

There isn't much about disappointment that we don't know.It hurts and quite evidently.But sometimes deconstructing the feeling is harder than one would think, so while I was in the middle of feeling stupid and trying real hard to hold back some sensitive tear glands from leaking, I didn't even know if the disappointment I felt was real.
After a relatively easy and subjective entrance, the next step was the interview.My first one, at that.Banking solely on my passion for the subject and my luck*which by the way never works,as shall be proved,AGAIN*, I walked into the room.My interview, to cut a long story short, was good.It's nice to know what people think of your work, especially if they're appreciative!Basically, everything went smoothly and my morale was more than satisfied.But then happy endings aren't a fad anymore.
The catch, was a pretty obvious one.Assumptions always screw things up for me.A camera,I was told, is compulsory and it obviously has to be a SLR.So I'm provided with the specifications,which end up being something around 60,000.*ouch* -my tear glands-
This is when I feel stupid, by the way.
I know the whole deal about money not being the only thing in the world, but one can't do without it.The thought of asking my parents, who are ever-willing, to spend close to two lakhs, on a course which doesn't even guarantee me a job, is sort of unfair.It is, no matter how much people convince me against it.The guilt is way too much to handle.I can't depend on people for life, it's not done somehow.
I am in love with photography and probably if I had that kind of family money,I wouldn't think about it so much .But the fact is, I don't.And I feel, the right thing to do would be to postpone this to a few years later, where I can depend on myself.and support my passions on my own.