K.

Me: Are we missing out on something?

You: There's nothing left.

Me: Hmm.

You: Let's start packing.

Me: What about love?

You: We'll find it on the way.

Me: Hmm.

You: Besides, we got plenty of passion.

Me: Hm.

(Pause)

You: Hey, you know my friend said Paradise is a beautiful place.

Me: Hm.

You: What the hell. Listen, you...

Me: You? or me?

You: What?

Me: Did you call me? You said 'You'.

You: You're stupid. Get lost.

Me: Hmm.

Goodnight...

I woke up today, after four long years. Or maybe five. And my dreams seem to be pretty fresh.
In these last four or five years, I have met a number of people in my dreams. Some who have taught me a lot and some who have taught me little. Surprisingly, every single person, has taught me something or the other. Yea, even the most insignificant ones.
So, I learnt about failures, about the 'luck factor', about being clueless, about friends, about people you think you know so well, about about losing everything, about being indifferent, a little about relationships, a thing or two about love and a lot of things about life.
My dreams, however, never taught me how to live. That is something I have to learn by myself. And I'm glad. But as erratic, pleasant or even negative as my dreams may be, it gave me some of my best memories. Memories that I shall always treasure but not cling on to.

So, here's to another few years of deep slumber, some more dreams, more people. And a lot more learning. 'night.

Aw, come on! Somebody must be reading this, no?

While most of the people around me, very drinking and raising toasts to the coming year, I chose to sign up for a trip. A trip, yes. Well, I of course thought it'll be a great idea, a little alone time, an adventure of sorts. But, turns out, this wasn't one of your usual, holiday in the sun. This one was a little different.
This was an emotional joyride. Okay, let's not kid around. This was an emotional ride minus the joy. Yup. And to add to it, the journey never ends. Apparently, my cynical friend who believed and convinced me too, that, "nothing is forever. forever is nothing.", was wrong. When it comes to the land of miseries and misunderstandings, everything is forever.
Yea, it does have happy moments, they come as a part of the package. But they are free, and don't we all know about the quality of free stuff. Besides, I've never really been a fan of stuff that comes free anyway.
But what about my plans? I mean, if everything sucks so, what happens to my plans! Does this mean that I'm stuck with no option? Do I have to go through hell, just 'cause I wanted a trip? A vacation? *sigh* I guess I do.

I sometimes wonder though, whether a glass of sparkling perfection in my hands would be a better (and wiser) idea.

cheers to you

some amount of uncertainty. some confusion. quite a bit of happiness and quite a bit of guilt. That is pretty much what surrounds me, my life. When you 'move on', a lot begins to change. For me, accepting the change was difficult but eventually I gave in. I realised I can't always have the best of both worlds. You gain some, you lose some. I did.
Let me be honest, I did lose some things I never wanted to give up on but at the same time I also gained. I found something I'll treasure and cherish all my life. A very important part of me. In the process, I discovered a different side to me. A side that some love and many detest. I must have changed.
Life has. My priorities have. The problem here, crops up when I start thinking. Thinking about people. Thinking about how I used to be.
I do not want to regret things. I have had enough of that. I want to be happy with what I am doing. Not just for the moment, but even in future. I do not want to be ashamed. I should be able to face people, be responsible for every action of mine. Right now, I'm not. I try and escape things that try to oppose my decisions, my actions. I am in a phase where all I can see is me. And I realise that. Right now I am selfish. And sooner or later it will hit me. What will follow is regret.
At the moment, I don't see a way out. I care, not like I don't but the reasons behind everything I do kind of take over me. I realise what I am doing, and it makes me happy. But when I begin thinking about what it does to others, it bothers me.
I hate regret. But more than that, I hate unhappiness.

how much sense?

I raced up and down the memory lane. I walked all the way back, to childhood, to immature teenage years, so much walking only to find out that I never wanted to be there. The hurry to grow up. To be where I am, right now. The irony, now that I'm here I wish to go back. I mean, that's not fair, is it?

look who's crying in self pity.

They are right when they say you need to love yourself in order to love others.
At the very beginning, I knew I would have to stand alone. I don't belong anywhere, or to anyone. The feeling might take time to sink in, but eventually it does. It has for me, or so I think. When the fear of losing somebody dies, not because you are sure you're never going to lose them, but because you know you have already lost them, it feels miserable, the way I feel right now.
It isn't a nice place, where I am. You wouldn't know how it feels when someone you love compares you to one of their worst memories. I should get used to it now, it has happened twice.
It's enough to show me what I really am.

Disconnect to Connect - (dtac Thailand TVC)

the mind that stopped thinking

a part of me is delighted and the rest, nervous. The moment I have to think too hard to write this blog, I know I'm forcing myself, that I shouldn't continue. So, today after a month or more, as I finally let my fingers do the talking, I feel uncertain. I'm not sure of what I want to say. I have nothing on my mind, or maybe just too many. Whatever the case, all I know is that today I write just for the love of it. For the fact that I couldn't, for so many days and also, for the fact that I might not be able to, for a long time.

While I was busy wishing for a great job, loads of money and a big commercial career, I forgot two things. One, that I'm getting into advertising, that too as a writer and two, that all these dreams of earning big and getting a job and blah blah, take away a lot. I don't know how right I am, but I don't think any thing's worth it if it takes you away from yourself.

But no matter how much I pledge, how much I resolve, it seems futile. I've become one of them, those who'll know nothing beyond what they do... annoyingly limited.

And that's the last thing I want to do, I don't want to get stuck somewhere and settle down for the lack of an option. I don't want to get addicted to neglecting things and people I love.

And I wish I could let people know the same...

I'm only a voice, a voice you can use. A voice you can throw. A voice you'd hear and just choose to ignore.

make way, please!

More than a few kilometers away from the humble colonies that surround my home, stands a madhouse. A house of craze, of action, of everything new. A house of the nocturnals.

Where night is the life. Where they feed on ideas, on passion.

On a dull day, they'd use their machines as temporary tools to get rid of the boredom in the air.

They'd play, laugh, be mad. And with the night they'd get crazier.

A madhouse, where I want to belong.

And even being here, I don't.

Lack of passion? Or the madness? Maybe both.

It's the co-existence. The unfamiliarity.

Work? You bang the tables, fuck the norms.Go against the flow. No restrictions.

Deadlines, yes. And they keep them too. The madhouse, with reasons to be the way the world won't let you be.

Feeling without notice.

It reaches me and takes my hand. I'm lost and deep but my body still stands.
I run from it but it pulls me back.
Leave me and go, won't you please!
'Cause my skin's too tough and it won't bleed.

Let's start a new end.

For what I hold, isn't really mine.
And you'd think I'd suffer,
but I do fine.

They mock my tears,
as I turn blind.
They call me cold,
and my heart unkind.

But you won't see me tomorrow,
'cause I'll leave you behind.
You'll be able to breathe,
and I'll be able to mind.

this one doesn't end.

Sundays, I must confess, are more fun without a nagging headache.That's just an opinion though, not really complaining.

The day's been pretty slow.And the mood's sort of unsettled.Have spent a good amount of the day listening to Indian Classical music, it calms you down somehow.It seems very typical, to say that, but it does.I mean, it puts restlessness to rest.So, I'm doing that.Settling my unsettled feelings through music.

I think there's too much happening, and I'm not even sure if I'm comfortable with what is.It becomes more difficult because there are too many opinions, people always seem to know what others should be doing.Honestly, I'm very comfortable being clueless, being confused, going with the flow and not knowing what's going to happen next.But then apparently thats not how things are meant to be.I'm not sure if I even have a problem with the hourly advices that I keep getting.I mean, it seems okay, its pretty cool if people care.But then I don't know, sometimes, I'd like to figure out things myself.Do things on my own, the way I want to, without anybody telling me what to do.

Complicated, isn't just another word.

This is it, that's what I'm told.Not that I'd know.
I think the insane simplicity of things is a slight complication.And don't I know my love for complications.Ours is a regretful love story...we're together even though we hate it.

Sing, like you used to,
just to make me cry
speak,like you always do
when you look into my eyes.
laugh, like you'd ask me to
when you'd want to make me smile
walk, like you did that day
when you turned and said goodbye

:( there's more

I feel helpless.

the gift of lost.

The journey had just about ended, there's no romanticising that.Now, it is the beginning of return, of getting back to the 'real' life, which in my case, hasn't still quite happened but then that's a different story.But the lights had just been dimmed, when every single thought in and around me started telling me that I'm less than prepared for reality.For the pressures it holds, maybe even the aptitude it demands.And while there's a part in me wanting to deny it, a major part of me agrees.
This major part is more discouraging, because it believes that I can't and that the minor part doesn't like.
Why would it be so hard to believe and so easy to do the exact opposite?Why wouldn't faith come naturally to me?The times when I laugh over my failures, do I really think I'm not affected?Or am I actually not affected?
And so the noise won't stop.The thoughts are sort of stale, but they still seem to stay.
And one ill-effect of being ill that too for so long is that you have too much time to think.Which I choose to exercise.And not really for my benefit.
I don't see too much of main stream in me, I want to know if I'm fit for it.Is there way to find out whether I've grown out of comfort shell?And as I write this line, the answer comes right into my head... No-
And whatever phase this is, I don't feel like trusting people.I don't know what they mean and if they mean it or not.I don't know which is sympathy.I can't even recognize friendship anymore.
As for getting back to 'reality', I'm not very good at doing that anyway but I'll try from Monday, hopefully, if my intestines and liver and whoever allow me to.

the worm inside

A sigh of relief and disappointment, the lack of understanding for managerial crap is responsible for the latter.Actually I'm quite bored of my disinterest in most of the things I do.I'm bored of under-estimating myself.Well, this does not in any way mean that I'm going to change or anything, I was sorta just letting it out.
Anyhow, I'm a day closer to Pondicherry, not that I'm looking forward to it ( see, this is what I mean!!disinterest!) There are trillions of things that I'm supposed to be doing in the 24hrs that'll follow.And of these trillion things, I like only one, catching up with my friends!
Since today I got done with my papers and I had spare time to hang out with friends, my freakin' head chose to hurt like crazy, which made me want to de-attach it from my body.Nevertheless, precious time wasn't wasted.Sanjay vun was happily explored, the crescent was spotted after a lot of hard work, pornographic drawings drawn on the rocks for future reference, and some fire was lit.
Pretty much like old times, minus a few people, actually minus a lot of people.People I would've liked to meet before Pondi.
The day, like any other, was a day of learning.Today's realisation (s) were that eggs don't make good friends and second, people might not be as cool as you think they are (just a little better off than others but that's it.)One more shitty piece of learning was that virtual crushes suck! And big time.
Am too tired to explain the above, specially the part about the egg, my head can probably burst any minute.later.

philosophies of an ad person

The times when Sunday refuses to feel like a Sunday, is the time you have a paper on Monday.Yup.Ideally, I should be in bed.Snug, with my big fat Advertising Management book for company.And I definitely should not be staring at the blank, uneventful sky.*yawn*
All this, just to say that I miss philosophy.(I never knew I could actually miss Rawls...that was one man who refused to make any sense to me).Sigh.And here I am, reading why I should go around segmenting the market.well, I don't want to know.Just take me to Pondicherry, dude.

P.T:Being stuck at an overgrown school can be quite a piss off.The atmosphere is so confused that it gets to me.The institute makes me feel like a wannabe MBA grad , which is... sadness multiplied by infinity.
P.S: Post thoughts (P.T)

there's nothing in me which is ready to be published, not right now. Or maybe there is just too much.

A voice over by Miv

"switch on the evil machine.The music player.Yes, the same one that played the devil's voice.Try on the black clothes and laugh, like Satan did.Satan, that's evil. The demon within.The ruler who rules hell.
Breathe, when he lets out the darkest smoke.Drink, when he pours you blood.Eat, when he gives you their souls.Devour, with greed.With loveless passion.Hate your faith, your empty religions.
Force the darkness in and you'll get the perfect world.The world that's devoid of sins."