takes away nothing.

in about 40 more minutes, my dad turns 60.As opposed to making the day special for him, we made it a little more chaotic than usual.And as it turns out, I don't handle chaos quite well.specially internal ones, the ones that are not clear.
Happiness, I realised, is very difficult to find.Or let's say, unhappiness is an easier state of mind, something that is more natural.What comes naturally to us, is being caught up.Caught up in this strange circle, where you can take as many rounds as possible and never really reach any thing concrete.What comes naturally to us, is picking out personal conflicts and placing them ahead of ourselves, our friends, family.It's so easy to lose faith, at least for me.to not believe in yourself and equally difficult to do the opposite.
I think, I learnt too much for one day.And part of it was serious unwilling learning.While I learnt that it's necessary to know the limitations of your dreams and to be aware that a dream is just that and it probably won't ever turn into reality, I also learnt that being emotionally strong is extremely important in order to allow yourself to grow.
From how I see it, my identity crisis of sorts is to a large extent, responsible for the way I feel about things and the way I react.There are so many things which I'm not even ready to face.And I dread accepting them as a part of myself.I find it quite pathetic that I'm not sure of what I am.That I don't know who I love or hate.That I have this innate urge to be liked and be accepted.But strangely enough, I don't dislike my confusion.I think that in the midst of all this chaos, it leaves me with some space to think and relate with something within.
I see a lot of things around which I desperately want to change.Instead of just feeling bad about them, I'd like to do something about them but most of the times it seems so improbable and it seems like such a struggle that it's very easy to give up.And more often than not, that's what I do.But I want to change that.I want to deal with things instead of running away from them.I want my conversations with dad to be that, more like they were a few years back and not constant nagging sessions.20 minutes into his birthday and we've already made a futile attempt at getting him to take care of himself.I am tired of losing patience and giving up when I see no other way.Anyway, I was hoping the day would start a little differently but apparently it was way too different for my liking.I just hope that at the end of 60 years of my life, I'm not full of remorse.